Body Apology

And lo, the answer I never wanted to the question I needed answered.

I’m sorry if I did this to you. I don’t know if I did, or if this is even the correct answer, but I’m pretty sure I know it is. I’m so sorry, Body, if I ever did anything that made you reject me this way. That made you reject future. I’m so sorry.

For the last eighteen months I’ve wondered if you were ever going to right yourself and continue to act like you should do. Like everyone else’s does. It never occurred. You never restarted, no matter how many times I IT Crowd’d you. I tried to reboot you, restore you, reinvigorate you. But it occurs to me now that I could never control you, Body. You will always control me.

And now you’ve taken something away that I can never get back. You’ve taken something away that no one else can give me. You’ve taken away almost every reason for existing as I am.

I can’t cry about it yet until someone with the proper knowledge and understanding tells me. Until a professional says that it’s over, I don’t think acceptance is an option. But I feel it deep in the recesses that it’s done, and I know sometime soon it will be the result.

Now I guess I need to go about the official things with you, don’t I Body? We have to do the tests that remain so that someone in a white coat can tell me what I already know. That you have abandoned me. Maybe we abandoned each other…? I don’t think we’ll ever know for sure which one of us left first.

And I don’t think it’ll ever be real until the Someone Else shows up to make it worse. I’ve always maintained this is easier to confirm now than it would be to do with someone else’s involvement. But, Body, I retract that thought. I think that knowing now is just delaying the real torture for another time. When a professional looks me in the eye and says that this is it, that will kill me. But not nearly as much as I know telling Someone Else will do.

But I guess I’ve done a lot on my own, and doing this with just you, Body, is probably for the best. Who wants this mess to deal with? I don’t even want us Body, and I’m all we have.

All around me are the smiling faces and protruding bellies of women I love who I will never be.


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