Review: 191 Things I thought while watching Despicable Me for the first time

Yes. This will eventually contain spoilers. Enjoy.

  1. I think I’m going to really fuckin’ hate those little yellow guys
  2. OMG KRISTEN WIIG IS IN IT YAAAAS
  3. Why am I listening to Sweet Home Alabama?
  4. Oh god there are hillbillies and a kid on a leash.
  5. THE FAT HILLBILLY IS KENNETH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSS
  6. Okay dumbass kid why are you being a dumbass. THERE’S NO MORE RAMP YOU FUCKING IDIOT
  7. omg the pyramid is made of bouncy castle. THE PYRAMID DOESN’T EXIST GUYS
  8. HAHAHAHA the coif on the newsreader is perfect
  9. Wow this villain is fucked up. Why would you go to the trouble of making a balloon puppy just to pop it?
  10. Okay why is pharrell singing this terrible hip hop track?
  11. THE VILLAIN IS STEVE CARRELL THIS IS GREAT
  12. Omg what’s with that weird dog thing he owns?
  13. I love Agnes and I want one. Gimme.
  14. Wait okay, so is this film about how much more evil this guy can get? Am I genuinely watching a Pixar film about getting more evil?
  15. Whoop here are the minions. Okay they’re sort of stupid and cute. I hate them but I don’t
  16. THERE ARE SO MANY MINIONS OMG
  17. Aaaaaahahaahhaah Steve Carrell’s accent is so weird
  18. THEY STOLE THE JUMBOTRON HAHAHAHA
  19. Okay so he’s the worst supervillain ever, got it.
  20. WHY ARE HIS LEGS HALF THE SIZE OF HIS BODY
  21. Holy shit those minions are loaded with weapons.
  22. STOP RUINING SHIT DAVE OMG
  23. Why in the fucking world would you want to steal the moon? How does this guy plan to do that? Is this a serious business plan?
  24. Okay Russell Brand shoosh weird grandpa man
  25. Ermergerrrrrrddddd the adorable little girls are back! Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww they’re foster kids! OMGGG SO CUUUUUUUTEEEEEE
  26. Ahahahaha Kristen Wiig yaaaaaaaaaaassssssss
  27. Omg Miss Hattie is already a worse villain than Steve Carrell, she’s like the Trunchbull with her own Chokey
  28. HE’S CALLING HIS MOTHER ABOUT THE MISSION AND SHE’S DOING MARTIAL ARTS CLASSES I AM SO INVESTED IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW
  29. WHy is the bank hidden in the men’s bathroom?
  30. Um okay pillars of the bank, pretty sure the Ministry of Magic had humans “in their rightful place” before y’all did
  31. AHAHAHA THE GIRL FROM IMPANEMA music supervisor you win
  32. Ohhhhhh his baby face when he couldn’t go to the moon 😦
  33. Oh my god who is this guy in the orange
  34. JASON SEGEL
  35. Okay I hate this guy. Victor or something. Stop. Stop everything. Stop talking.
  36. Piranha gun. Stop it.
  37. Okay so is the bank manager the devil or is his hair just coincidentally in the shape of mini horns?
  38. OMG VICTOR STOLE THE PYRAMID
  39. Hahahhaha good call on freezing his head Steve Carrell. Best move you’ve made since this started.
  40. That poor elephant 😦 don’t use the shrink ray on him!
  41. Lol the shrinking process looked exactly like when Genie turns into an elephant in Aladdin bye
  42. omfg the minions are stealing the shrink ray hahahaha they’re so stupid hahaha
  43. SOMEONE ELSE IS STEALING THE SHRINK RAY
  44. God damn it Victor
  45. FUck this guy seriously
  46. Why don’t I know the name of Steve Carrell’s character yet?
  47. Oh okay forty-seven million missiles in your tiny jet yeah no worries
  48. THEY”RE TURNING TINY YES I CAN’T WAIT
  49. Oh wait, it was just the jet that turned tiny that’s less fun
  50. I feel like the reason I want children is because of cute as shit animated kids like Agnes. I can’t quantify how cute she is and how much I love her.
  51. Oh it’s Vector not Victor, whoops. Thanks subtitle for sorting my life out for me.
  52. HAHAHAHAH WHY IS HE DRESSED IN JAMAICAN GEAR?
  53. Okaaaayyyyyyyy so you can just never get into Vector’s lair. Ever. That’s going to make life interesting
  54. Also how is Steve Carrell still alive when a shark ate him?
  55. OMG THE GIRLS ARE TRYING TO GET INTO VECTOR’S STOP DON’T GET KILLED I LOVE YOU
  56. The secret password is selling cookies. Vector is all of us.
  57. “I’m going to need a dozen mini robots disguised as cookies” that’s so fucking stupid hahaha okay so I get it now I love him he gets my brain
  58. HAHAHAH Minion fights are my favourite thing ever
  59. “My heart is a tooth that has a cavity” what
  60. “-_- do i look. like i speak spanish?” ahahahahaha
  61. omg he’s adopting the girls. stop it. don’t hurt them. STOP IT
  62. AGNES IS THE BEST I’M GOING TO KEEP SAYING IT FOR THIS WHOLE TIME I LOVE HER
  63. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww she loves him first and I can’t deal with this
  64. Okay so it’s Margot, Edith and Agnes. Great names!
  65. Okay this Vector dude is doing shit I would expect Jason Segel to do in real life.
  66. Why did he shrink the toilet? That’s going to be so unpleasant when he needs to use it.
  67. ermergerd Steve Carrell’s house has a spiral staircase
  68. AWW SHE WANTED TO HOLD HIS HAND STEVE CARRELL YOU MONSTER
  69. “When we got adopted by a bald guy, I thought this would be more like Annie” hahahahaha Edith, you’re okay
  70. The dog’s name is Kyle? THat is so weirdly boring
  71. omg the spike cupboard WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE A CHOKEY
  72. “Does this count as annoying? *pats on cheeks for amazing popping sound*” I LOVE HER I LOVE HER SO MUCH THIS IS THE BEST
  73. He filled a dog bowl with candy for them to eat what why
  74. HAHAHA RUSSELL BRAND GRANPDA BUILT THE FUCKING COOKIE ROBOTS THIS IS THE BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEST
  75. omg the girls found the lair thing
  76. why are the minions floating
  77. why did he built a fart gun
  78. this guy is so stupid how is he a scientist
  79. Ahahahaha Edith is so sassy YUS
  80. WHY DID HE OBLITERATE THE UNICORN WHY DID HE DO THAT
  81. omg why is she holding her breath stop it you’re gonna die Agnes
  82. OMG SHE PASSED OUT THAT IS SOME SERIOUS SHIT
  83. the minions are gonna fuck up getting a new unicorn toy fo sho
  84. sweet jesus they’re in costume as a human family
  85. Karaoke minions are officially my favourite holy shit
  86. OH THE MINIONS ARE PLAYING WITH THE GIRLS <333333333
  87. the beds are hung on the wall i don’t understand and now i feel inferior because my bed is on the stupid floor like normal beds
  88. omg they made her a unicorn out of a dishwashing brush fuck the fuck off that is too sweet i’m going to vomit tears
  89. Margot yaaaas bitch yaaaas you tell Steve Carrell you go to that dance recital!
  90. Is his name Gru? Cru? Glue? What?
  91. AGNES GOT HIM A TICKET TO THE RECITAL I FUCKING HATE THIS MOVIE SHE IS SO PERFECT
  92. Vector is such an idiot for those coconut cookies THEY’RE ROBOTS YOU STUPID GUY
  93. “why are you wearing pyjamas?” she’s so innocent omg
  94. “What are you warming up for?” “something super cool” “like sleeping?” “THEY ARE NOT PYJAMAS” favourite conversation so far
  95. Okay he just ate a cookie robot and saw wires coming from it and shrugged. what kind of supervillain is that fuckin’ stupid?
  96. the fact that he has a shark swimming beneath his feet in the living room is just berserk like are you not afraid it will eat your legs you stupid idiot?
  97. Oh wait there’s a glass thing over the top of it. That makes way more sense ALTHOUGH IS FUCKING TERRIFYING STILL OKAY
  98. Steve Carrell is wearing minion boxers shorts. I feel weird.
  99. Margot, y’all aren’t really selling cookies, stop being dumb
  100. HAHAHAHA they’re squealing over an amusement park. COME ON CARRELL GO TO THE PARK GO ONNNNN
  101. omg he has to go on the ride aaahahaha
  102. “HE’S SO FLUFFY I’M GONNA DIE” she is every single one of us when we see something we want
  103. she hit the target how come she lost?!
  104. oh that’s so stupid SHE HIT THE TARGET KENNETH YOU OWE HER THE UNICORN GOD DAMN
  105. Also Steve Carrell totally loves these kids
  106. sweet jesus he got face painted like a bunny this is the best
  107. omg his name really is Gru… also why
  108. “Oooooooh stuffed crust!”
  109. omg Agnes giggling and calling Gru funny. Stop it. My heart. oh god.
  110. Satan bank manager hates everything and needs to do something about his ridic hair
  111. Baby Gru is so so cute, and I hate his mother 5eva
  112. Satan crushed an apple before ending the skype sesh. Okay.
  113. Gru’s speech to the minions is actually sort of sad? They have to make resumes hahahaha
  114. oh my god
  115. the girls are giving him their moneyoriginal (1)
  116. i cannot
  117. stop
  118. help
  119. i’m dying
  120. omg now the minions are giving money and stolen jewels
  121. why do i love this
  122. this is so stupid
  123. ohhhhkaaayyyyy *cue Bruno Mars song + montage*
  124. GRU’S MUM WITH THE GIRLS
  125. omg rocket fired marshmallows great idea
  126. HAHAHA KYLE THE DOG IS PINK ooooooops
  127. GAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSPPPPPPPPP VECTOR IS THE SATAN BANK MANAGER’S SON THINGS MAKE SENSE
  128. I still don’t get why they need to steal the moon?
  129. please tell me he’s going to read the bedtime story now please do it
  130. YES GRU YES READ IT
  131. oh my fuck it’s a puppet story i can’t
  132. jesus the story is about them help i cannot deal help someone send help
  133. they’re all sleeping on him I am so done
  134. omg don’t push your luck Agnes, he just read to you, he won’t kiss you goodnight straightaway
  135. THEY DREW ON THE FAMILY TREE WHY IS THIS MOVIE DETERMINED TO HURT EVERYTHING INSIDE ME
  136. okay the minions are photocopying their own butts and I don’t know how this is funny but it is
  137. he’s teaching the girls how to have a courteous tea party gtfo
  138. WHY IS RUSSELL BRAND GETTING THE GIRLS TAKEN AWAY WHAT IS THIS FRESH HELL I AM SO MAD
  139. okay my heart just shattered into fifty bajillion pieces
  140. FUCK OFF RUSSELL BRAND GRANDPA YOU ARE AWFUL
  141. omg the minions crying is all of us right now
  142. STOP SCRUBBING THE FAMILY TREE OFF NO THEY ARE NOT GONE FOREVER STOP
  143. ahahahaha his space suit is pink i hope you’re happy Gru y’asshole
  144. THE RECITAL IS ON YOU DICK YOU HAVE TO GO
  145. if he doesn’t go i will hate everything
  146. enjoy space you monster i hope you get George Clooney’d out there
  147. that was a Gravity reference btw
  148. how have you not seen Gravity? go see it jesus
  149. you’re in space Gru, now what huh?
  150. um. gru. how do you expect to get back to the spaceship without a tether? NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON WOULD HAVE A FIT WATCHING THIS
  151. oh well done on shrinking the moon you idiot
  152. THE TICKET GET THE TICKET DON’T LET THE TICKET GET GEORGE CLOONEY’D
  153. omg. the shrinking thing only works for a little while???
  154. OH AGNES DON’T LOOK SO SAD I CANNOT
  155. wait so now the moon is going to expand back on earth? are we all going to die or what?
  156. omg they’re so cute in their little tutus
  157. yeah cool Gru just fuck up the entire city to get to the recital late i hate you
  158. VECTOR HAS THE GIRLS NO
  159. “Zip it happy meal” is now my favourite thing ever to say to children and i plan on using it every day
  160. um Gru just ninja’d the shit out of those missiles and punched a shark. badass parental instincts tho
  161. OMG THE MOON IS GETTING BIGGER VECTOR YOU’RE AN IDIOT
  162. yes girls jump! JUMP JUMP HE’LL CATCH YOU HE WILL HE’S YOUR DAD HE WILL CATCH YOU THEY ALWAYS DO
  163. SHIT NOW I”M CRYING FOR REALS
  164. Come on Margot jump gurlfrand!
  165. oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit VECTOR WHAT THE FUCK
  166. is gru for reals tightrope walking right now?
  167. omg SEE HE CAUGHT YOU MARGOT IT’S OKAY
  168. okay i’m sorry but how did the moon expand back to its place in the universe rather than crushing earth into a million smithereens?
  169. omg he’s reading them a bedtime story voluntarily
  170. he wrote them a story
  171. about unicorns
  172. with puppets
  173. and his nose is the unicorn horn
  174. fuck off
  175. fuck everything right now
  176. the unicorn is gru
  177. the three kittens are the girls
  178. help
  179. my heart
  180. my eyes
  181. this is the worst
  182. and the best
  183. and i hate pixar
  184. HE KISSED THEM GOODNIGHT I AM DONE WITH EVERYTHING STOP IT
  185. HE SAID I LOVE YOU I AM WEEPING
  186. Aaaaahahahah he has to kiss the minions that’s so great
  187. THEY’RE PUTTING ON THEIR OWN RECITAL HELP ME JESUS GOD WHAT HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THIS GETS CRY-I-ER
  188. ahahahah thanks god for that minion, i need some feel good dance scenes
  189. dance Gru dance
  190. OMG YAAAASSSSSS GET IT GRU GET ITTTTT
  191. Okay that was better than I expected. And also JT as credits roll? Mmkay I’m down.

Well done Pixar. Well done. Have 8 Coconutties because THOSE FEELS.

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