One of the perks of loving movies is knowing what kind of expectations to go into one with. Sometimes I get it right, sometimes my instincts are way, way off. Luckily, I’m pretty discerning when it comes to disaster films, and with San Andreas, I knew without a doubt that I needed to walk into that cinema with my film nerd hat off, and locked in a closet somewhere. This was going to be a disastrous movie (Ha! Puns! Amirite tho!?)
Okay so just, straight up, San Andreas is hands down one of the most ridiculous movies I have ever seen in my life, and Bird on A Wire had fucking ~piranhas~ in it (also that movie was a masterpiece, how dare you). I’ve never really been into Dwayne The Rock Johnson before… I mean, I’ve seen him in some funny things, some cool things too, but I’ve never really understood the buzz. Ho boy. After San Andreas, I completely get it. What a sexy, badass dude. I’d totally get on a boat to ride into a tsunami if he said so.
Anyway. The plot was a joke, but hooray for science n stuff, and there was a really randomly cast Australian playing a Brit? I assume it’s because of the cute British kid who The Rock’s daughter has to save while also needing to be saved herself, but I can’t be sure. Oh and the mother/wife is just… I want to be her. Sheer kickassery. There is also no way she would have survived the building collapsing around her so y’know, be prepped for that ridiculousness.
Mad Max: Fury Road is a pretty good title because I walked out of the cinema foaming at the mouth with frustration.
Imperator Furiosa was incredible – as anticipated – and by far the highlight. It was definitely her movie. I don’t even know why they bothered putting this film under the banner of the Mad Max franchise, because Tom Hardy did almost fuck all aside from killing a couple of dudes and undoing all the progress they’d made in one sentence. Completely infuriating.
I have many, many questions for the creators of this movie, the most puzzling – for me – was: why on earth was there a vehicle solely for the use of a suspended guitarist and some war drums? Like, the drums I get. But. The guitarist? What? And I was fully prepared for things I did not expect in this film but this was beyond anything I could have imagined; next level crazy.
As an Australian film, there’s obviously going to be a reference or two out of sheer pride, and I mean I guess I did take joy (and squawked out immense laughter) at the adoption of the phrase “fang it” for “go faster”. A+ comedy, lads. But essentially, Mad Max: Fury Road is one long car chase with a lot of explosions and pregnant women. It’s a complete assault on the senses, with sound and sight literally exploding on the screen. I really don’t understand why people are calling it the best movie of 2015. PASS.
And then there were the dinosaurs. Plus Ron Howard’s annoying daughter and
Han Solo I mean Indiana Jones I MEAN Owen Someone and a crapload of other prehistoric creatures bred for the exact same park as before. WHERE THE FUCK IS JEFF GOLDBLUM ACTUALLY.
So I have several questions about this film, not the least of which was WHY?
Then I wonder about the twenty-two thousand people who conveniently weren’t in the way when they let out the T-Rex, why the stylist for Bryce Dallas Howard wasn’t fired immediately, and how exactly we ended up in the final scene? How does a beta get to choose which alpha to follow? Isn’t the point of an Alpha to be the biggest and strongest and the one you fear most and therefore follow cuz instincts? HOW DOES A HUMAN MAN FIGHT A GIANT HYBRID DINOSAUR TO BE THE ALPHA? Why do Velociraptors look so hilarious when they run and how do I get my hands on a baby triceratops to ride in my backyard? Why didn’t Bryce just take off her heels (like I mean, you’re an epic badass whether you run on heels or not, but damn gurl, don’t ruin your ankles to prove a point!)?
Last, but certainly not least, is my question to the writers, because I want to know what the story even was pls. Because I literally still don’t know how we got from point A to point B except that Chris
t Pratt was on a motorbike and then hypnotising raptors and suddenly there were no people anymore. ???
I mean, that kid was cute, and the effects were cool, but a chameleon dinosaur that looks like a T-Rex is not really what I thought when they said it was bigger, louder, cruel-er? Like. Who sets these fucking standards at Jurassic World? AND IT WASN’T EVEN A WORLD JUST THE SAME PARK AGAIN. As you can see, I may have gotten irrationally angry at this film.
Lastly, Vincent D’onofrio should just be a villain all the time. Like forever.
This, my friends, is why trusting your instincts when it comes to entertainment is not as important as we all like to think. Because who the shit would have thought that both Mad Max: Fury Road and Jurassic World – two of the most hyped movies of 2015 – would be more disappointing to me than San fucking Andreas?
Overall, I give my action-filled weekend (from like, June… shutup I got distracted) a giant thumbs down, but Chris
t Pratt, Tom Hardy and Dwayne The Rock Johnson sure did give me a distraction from the mediocre narratives on-screen, so, I guess… yay casting…?